On Labor Day weekend our family (along with some others) decided to go on a little canoe trip on the Mississippi not far from home. While we were canoeing along we started noticing "For Sale" signs every so often on homes or property along the river. Ken commented "wouldn't it be fun to live on the river" and "I think I will check into them". We visited about it and I did think it would be fun in a way and if we were to move I would rather do it sooner than later as I would like to get fruit trees planted (again!) and so forth.
Really though, I was hoping that he would just forget about the idea which Ken does realize. I have this big thing about putting down roots, I love the fact that in my life that I can go visit my parents and when I do that I am also visiting the only home that I ever remember from growing up (I was born elsewhere but my parents moved to their current house before I was two- I believe), also when I go visit my Grandpa in Nebraska I am going to the place where he was born and raised and where my Mom and her siblings were raised. My Grandpa did build a new house but the old one is still there too. Anyway having a sense of permanency is something I really enjoy. I also like to be able to work on our land with things such as planting things, improving soil, making our home and yard just what we want and so forth.
So anyway after that little conversation it made me realize yet again (we have talked about this before) that Ken isn't quite so into this whole putting down roots thing (he moved all over the place as a child and moving is normal for him) and also that Ken just might not ever be truly content living here in Northern MN without having a home on the water.
So I went home from that fun little canoe trip and I will admit I had some rather turbulent thoughts and feelings. I wanted Ken to be happy but I also really wanted things to go my way. Oh, that sure sounds selfish but it is quite true. Not only did I have the reasons that I already mentioned but I also realized that if we decided to buy a new home we would also be getting a larger mortgage - one that wouldn't be paid off nearly so quickly and I would dearly love to get our mortgage all paid off (the sooner the better in my opinion!). Anyway the more I thought about it the more I hated the idea of moving. I could think of all the things that we would need to fix up before we could sell, all the things that a new property would absolutely have to have if I was to make a change and so forth. After a morning of thinking about it my stomach was practically in knots and I felt like crying.
That afternoon when we took our rest time I was blessed to be reading Ann Voskamp's book "1,000 Gifts" and I believe the chapter was about trust - whatever it was about it made me think about trust and how I really needed to change my attitude and be willing to trust both God and my husband. First of all, God can see the big picture. He sees things that I cannot see. He knows what is truly best for all of us. He can open doors and He can close them. He can work this out however it should be worked out to glorify Him if we are willing to let Him work. Also I can trust Ken. He too wants what is best for our family. He doesn't want any of us to be unhappy. He also doesn't want us to make stupid financial decisions. It is true Ken might make mistakes but no mistake he can make can effect eternity for me so it doesn't really matter.
After some thinking, reflecting and prayer I have felt so at peace over this whole issue. God has truly helped me to learn to trust. When I am willing to let God be in control I can be happy and at peace and He can work things out far better than I can imagine.
And yes, we do have an appointment to see a house on Monday night. Only God knows if anything will come of it - I can trust Him!